


You Want Fries With That?

by themoonfish



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Day 3, F/F, Grandmothers, Magical Pregnancy, Swan Queen Week Summer 2017, father of the bride II, grandmothers galore!, magic baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 13:33:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11487429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonfish/pseuds/themoonfish
Summary: Emma’s pretty sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen to people in real life. But Storybrooke isn’t reallyreal life. So, if she’s going to spend the next seven to eight months of her life as Steve Martin in Father of the Bride II, she might as well enjoy it...





	You Want Fries With That?

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about how badly I wanted to see more stories in the tag for SQ Week and decided that I had to write one. I wrote 75% of a behemoth of a fic for “Divorced Mommies” Day, but got bitten by a bug today that wouldn’t leave me alone until I finished this one-shot. So, voila! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> all the typos are (unfortunately) my own. my beta was making dinner.

Regina begins to sob.

"This isn't happening," She cries.  
  
Emma tentatively comes up behind Regina, remembers that the last time she snuck up on the queen without warning she had more than a few first degree burns before the Mayor begrudgingly healed them.  Still, Emma decides to charge ahead — like she does with most things — and pull the woman into her arms anyway.  
  
"It's happening Regina," Emma mumbles into the other woman's hair, which smells like heady flowers and citrus and a touch of vomit. Though they haven’t made a big production of it, Emma loves Regina in a _stuck with you for life_ kind of way. In all these years she hasn't run. She's kept her commitments. She's moved into the manor, into Regina's closet and drawers and bed, and has raised their son with a fierceness she did not know she was capable of until Regina showed her she was.  
  
Sure, this is bizarre. And, sure, if someone with future vision had told her five years ago that this would have happened, she would have packed up her box of belongings and been on the road in seconds. But they didn't, so she won't because she's a better Emma now.  
  
Regina looks up at Emma with tears and a wild and _slightly_ disturbing look in her eyes. Emma frowns.  
  
"No Regina."  
  
Regina pouts, adorably but still somewhat evilly.  
  
" _No_." Emma stands her ground and stays firm.  
  
"But Emma..." Regina wheedles, dancing her fingers up Emma's chest tantalizingly.  
  
Emma rolls her eyes but takes the opportunity to raise Regina's hand to her mouth and kiss it.  
  
"Regina, sweetheart, I understand that you are upset right now and you have every right to be. I'm livid too, I really am, but Henry is our son and he needs us to support him. And supporting him doesn't mean — "  
  
"Burning that foul miscreant’s apartment down to the ground?" Regina grouses.  
  
"Regina." Emma warns.  
  
"Reaching into his chest and crushing his stupid tiny little heart into dust and sprinkling that dust all over my mid afternoon fries?"  
  
Emma Swan cannot condone this kind of behavior. So, even though her thighs clench whenever she sees Regina's eyes flash purple and she gets that deep luxurious purr in her voice when she recounts all the evil things she's thought about in a day — which usually just include slipping laxatives into Snow White's hot chocolate or tying Charming's shoe laces together because Regina secretly loves Emma's father and would never _really_ want to hurt him — Emma cannot reward Regina's behavior by carrying her into the bedroom and having her wicked way with the other mother of her...  
  
"Em-ma?" Regina purrs, _oh god_ the purring. "Are you sure you wouldn't at least reconsider some of my plans." Regina's changed tactics now, opting to full out seduce the sheriff and is pulling out all the stops. Beginning by pulling Emma's uniform shirt free from the waistband of her pants. "I've plenty of other ideas if you're not happy with the ones I've presented here. And you know, Sheriff Swan," Regina says fixing her with a sultry look, "I've been known for my flexibility and my willingness to be open to... _suggestion_ ." Regina's made quick work of most of Emma's shirt buttons and, for effect, makes a show of yanking the shirt the rest of the way open and sending the button on Emma's collar flying.  
  
"Regina," Emma whispers hoarsely. But Regina continues on, sliding Emma's shirt off of her shoulders before kneeling decisively in front of the blonde, in a hopelessly hot but hardly convincing demonstration of submission.  
  
"And I've certainly always been receptive to trying new things." Regina teases, reaching forward to grab the front of Emma's slacks. "It's part of what makes me such a good public servant." Nimbly, Regina pops the button open and slowly unzips the pants, all with one hand.  
  
Oh, does Emma love this woman.

 _Fortunately_ , a voice in her head reminds her that she loves Regina much more than she loves a good roll in the hay. Which is exactly why she's got to put her foot down and be firm about this.  
  
Flustered but resolute, Emma takes a step back and leans against the bathroom counter.  
  
"Regina, honey, as much as I would love to try ‘new things with you,’ I have to insist that we be the adults in this situation."  
  
Regina huffs and sits back on her heels. "If you think that I'm going to let that damned rabble rousing Fonzie just sweep in and seduce our son, you are wrong Emma Swan!"  
  
Emma almost laughs, but she didn’t survive seventeen years of the foster care system and one year in prison without self-preservation, so when it finally kicks in she swallows her laugh instead. "It's too late for that now. Henry is eighteen and an adult in the eyes of the law. Now, he lives in our house so you won’t get any arguments from me about the whole under our roof under our rules bit. We just have to understand that his decision, however stupid, was his to make. And sure, it has consequences but," Emma leans forward and uses her fingers to tip Regina's face back towards hers. "It's our job to make sure that our son feels loved and that all our children, grand or otherwise, know that they're not accidents or mistakes."    
  
Regina's brown eyes fill with tears again. "Henry is not a mistake!" She insists.  
  
Emma nods, "neither is his baby."  
  
Regina nods back wordlessly.  
  
"And neither is _this_ baby," Emma says reaching forward to lay a hand on Regina's abdomen, "Ok?"  
  
Regina covers Emma's hand with her own and squeezes. "Ok." She whispers. And Emma feels better, reminded that Regina does not regret this new life created by the two of them, however surprised they both may be.  
  
"I'm just too young to be a grandmother," Regina insists, unwilling to drop the subject.  
  
"You think?" Emma groans. "I'mtoo young to think about the fact that our son is having sex."  
  
Regina pales. "My baby is not having sex."    
  
Emma smirks. "Your _baby_ is having a baby babe. I think it's safe to say it wasn't just ‘true love magic’ that put it there."    
  
Regina shoots Emma a withering glare. "How dare you suggest that my son could have true love with some infuriating lost boy who rides around on a metal morgue of a motorcycle and uses his insufferably tight jeans as cloth napkins whenever we have him over to dinner?"  
  
"You're right babe. What _could_ Henry possibly see in him?" Emma taps her chin in a mockery of thoughtfulness. In the before, these words would have crushed her. But in the after of so many things that make her happy, they only make her laugh. It seemed that, regardless of gender, the Mills’  _definitely_ had a type.     
  
"I just don't get it." Regina harrumphs.  
  
"Neither do I Reggie, but I do know that normally for someone with Henry's ...equipment… this wouldn't be possible without at least a little help." Emma wiggles her fingers in a gesture of magic.  
  
"Don't be so crude Emma. Magic is very complicated and highly scientific. One doesn't just "wiggle" their fingers and create new life."  
  
"Oh I don't know Reggie. It sure seems like it to me."  
  
Regina ignores Emma's terrible eyebrow wagging.  
  
"And you can spare me the lecture about our son's 'equipment?' We can just agree that one normaly needs a womb to-to-to..."  
  
Oh no. Regina was on the verge of another breakdown.  
  
"Babe? Babe, look at me! You need to breathe. All of this stress is not good for the baby."  
  
"Oh my god, I'm pregnant Emma." She moans into the hands covering her face.  
  
"Reggie, come on." Emma soothes reaching for to rub Regina's shoulders. "We went over this with Dr. Whale already. It's a miracle, remember?"  
  
"I know it's a miracle you idiot!" Regina snaps, "I just didn't expect to be pregnant at the same time as my eighteen-year old son!"  
  
Emma's eyes widen.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yes, _oh_." Regina growls rising from the ground and shaking Emma's hands from her shoulders.  
  
The two look at each other silently before Emma breaks under the pressure and feels like she has to say...something.  
  
"I mean, that’s a miracle too, isn't it?"  
  
Emma doesn't mistake the homicidal gleam in Regina's eyes for anything other than what it is. Her baby and her grandchild could both be born without a mother and a grandmother respectively. 

But luckily Regina has been working so hard to keep her recently intensified emotions under control. Archie's been teaching her how to acknowledge them, and let them go, like little balloons or some other shit Emma has never had the patience for.  
  
"I'm pregnant." Regina says.  
  
"You are." Emma assures her.  
  
"Our eighteen year old son is — _somehow_ — pregnant."  
  
"Yes he is." Emma agrees.  
  
"All babies are beautiful and miraculous and something to rejoice about."  
  
"When they're conceived consensually and parents have the health and the ability to carry them full term and provide for them or find someone who will, then yeah, sure.” Henry hadn’t always felt like Emma’s ‘little miracle.’ Right now he feels like a huge pain in the ass.  
  
"And we're in the position to do all of those things, right Emma?" Regina looks at Emma anxiously, but the blonde just quirks a knowing smile at her.  
  
"Absolutely. We were all consenting adults. And you and Henry are healthy even if we can stand to work on the happy part.  And I'll be there the whole time watching you both like a hawk. I won't let anything happen to either of you, including Thing One and Thing Two."  
  
"Thing One and Thing Two?" Regina asks incredulously.  
  
"Well, yeah, we need to call them something don't we?"  
  
Regina rolls her eyes.  
  
"And," Emma adds, "Henry wants this baby and to hear him tell it, so does Tip." Regina curls her lip in disgust. "I want this baby," Emma says, "I want our baby more than I've wanted anything other than for you, me, and Henry to be a family. Nothing would make me happier."  
  
Emma brushes her fingers against the brunette's cheeks. Regina's eyes fill with such emotion that Emma swears they glitter even under the awkward bathroom light. The Sheriff knows that there are things Regina will whisper to her as they fall asleep, about how Regina had never wanted more than a family for as long as she could remember. About how she never regretted the choices she made to protect herself or her unborn and unnamed children but still cried when she came to this land and realized she would never carry another life inside of her. About how she cried again when she realized what love had made possible, what room Henry had taken up in her heart when he was perfect and finally hers. About how she cries now because love had made possible all the things in her life that hate, anger, and years of abuse had tried to squeeze from her.  
  
But those words will come later, in the cool darkness of their bedroom.  
  
So now, Regina looks up at her and answers Emma's unspoken question of _is this baby wanted_ ? and _is this alright_ and _you know I will support you in all decisions regarding your body right?_ with "My love, nothing would make me happier than you going straight to Granny's and picking up two orders of fries with barbecue sauce, honey mustard, pickles, and mayo."  
  
Emma gags. "All of that with mayo?!"  
  
"I'll have you know Emma Swan that this,” Regina says gesturing to her completely invisible baby bump as though she were twelve months pregnant, “is all your fault."  
  
Emma is wise enough to know better than to question Regina's judgement.

"Think I can get a little incentive for the trip?" Emma says lowering her voice and pressing her body into Regina's.  
  
"I did leave things a little _unfinished_." Regina says softly. "That must be frustrating for you."  
  
Emma shivers at the feeling of Regina's hands running up and down her sides. "Oh yeah, very frustrating. Besides, I specifically recall you saying something about being interested in trying new things?"  
  
Regina grunts, crushes her mouth against Emma's mouth, and starts grinding against the sheriff.  
  
"Oh god babe. This is so hot."  
  
Regina bits down hard on Emma's lip. "Shut up and get these clothes off of me."  
  
Emma, who doesn't need to be told twice, yanks Regina's panties down, her skirt up, and lifts the woman up on to the counter.  
  
_"Oh Emma,"_ Regina groans into her lover's mouth. And Emma, who had been patiently waiting for Regina's "mysterious stomach flu" to subside before initiating sex again feels her eyes roll back into her head when she finally slips her fingers against Regina's slick folds.  
  
Nothing could ruin this perfect reunion. She's going to eat the fucking hell out of Regina and then fuck her up against this bathroom mirror, and then when the incredibly sexy mayor is ready, crawl up take her turn sitting the throne for awhile. It's going to be glori-  
  
_"Mom?"_ A plaintive wail rises from the other side of the master bedroom door. Emma's ready ignore it. She hardly heard it the first time and Regina's so wet that her finger just slides right into the other woman. Regina bucks against her hand and it really is absolutely gloriou-  
  
"Mom?" This time the cry louder and more pitiful. Regina pulls away from Emma’s mouth and Emma thinks she might cry from the loss.  
  
"Baby?" Regina calls back concerned.  
  
"No Regina!" Emma whines.  
  
"Emma, he's obviously in distress!” Emma shakes her head and tries to fasten her lips to Regina’s neck but the other woman pushes her away. “Put me down this instant Ms. Swan!"  
  
_"Mom!"_ Henry tries again, _"it's an emergency."_ Now Regina, who was only worried before, looks positively stricken.    
  
Fuck.

Emma straightens herself up and wipes her fingers on the hand towel next to the sink. "Don't move Regina, I'm just going to see what he wants. I swear, I’ll be right back and we can pick up where we left off."  
  
Regina huffs and crosses her arms. "Fine."  
  
Emma makes her way out of the bathroom and to the bedroom door in record time.  
  
"What is it Henry? Is it the baby, is everything alright?" Emma says checking Henry over for blood or bruises or fever.  
  
"Mom, Mom said you were going to Granny's. And I really need some fries. Like, if I don't have them I feel like I'm literally going to die."  
  
Emma pinches her nose and resists the urge to put her fist (the one that had nearly been all the way inside her wife) through the wall.  
  
"Yes Hen. I'm going to Granny's. _After_ your mother and I finish a very important discussion we were just having."  
  
Henry wrinkles his nose and looks past Emma towards the master bathroom. "Doesn't sound like you'll be able to finish that anytime soon."  
  
Emma looks at her watch and sees that it's 3:45pm. Regina's favorite time of the day to be sick.  
  
_Goddammit_. She's missed her window.  
  
Emma tears back into the bathroom and rushes towards Regina to see if she can help but the older woman only waves her away.  
  
"Ugh, get out of here Emma. I can't be aroused when I'm like this." Regina is retching full force now into the toilet. Emma had no idea this was what an omelet looked like in reverse. She wishes she still didn't.

"Uh, me neither babe. I don't know if even _I_ can eat when you're like this."  
  
Regina’s head jerks up and she looks murderously at Emma, or tries to at least, but comes off looking more like a tiny baby bat with fangs. "If you don't bring back those fries I asked for I am never touching you again. Do you understand me?"  
  
Emma refrains from telling the rehabilitated  and very former Evil Queen it's a little hard to take her seriously when she's got vomit smeared on her left cheek. The woman cursed an entire kingdom to a small town in Maine so, she usually makes good on her threats.  
  
"Got it" Emma squeaks.  
  
"Good." Regina says before turning slightly green again and holding her head over the toilet, essentially ending the conversation.  
  
Emma walks out of the room and down the stairs dejectedly.  
  
To his credit, the kid is standing by the door with Emma's cellphone in his hands and her car keys at the ready.  
  
"Here you go." He says handing them to her as she struggles to shove her feet back into her standard issue boots without unlacing them because _why would_ _she_ regardless of what Regina says?  
  
"Thanks kid."  
  
Henry shrugs. "No biggie."  
  
Emma sighs. "What exactly do you want? You better tell me right now because I am not going back."  
  
"I need the exact same order mom asked for.” Mini Regina says pursing his lips, “Two orders of fries, barbecue sauce, honey mustard, mayo, and pickles. Only, I want cheese on mine. _All over mine_. And actually, you better get some cheese for mom too."  
  
Emma looks at him skeptically. "Are you sure? Last time I got this wrong she didn't speak to me for nine hours, and that was when we still thought the two of you had the flu."  
  
Henry shudders sympathetically. "I remember. But I know I'm right about this. My Mills senses are tingling."    
  
Emma looks at him warily but decides she might as well. Maybe she'll buy an extra order without and keep it for herself in case things go totally left. "Fine. Be back in a few minutes."  
  
"Ok. Thanks mom." Henry says after kissing her cheek.  
  
Emma smiles. "Yeah, yeah kid. You're welcome."  
  
Then Henry smiles sweetly, _a little too sweetly_ .  
  
"And mom?" He says staring up at her. Down at her? She’s always forgetting he’s taller than them now.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Must have been some conversation you were having up there!" Henry sasses, pointing to the red lipstick stains all over Emma's mouth, cheek, and collar before striding away.  
  
"I hate you both so much." Emma complains. Henry is so like Regina it's uncanny. It shouldn't even be surprising that they're both pregnant at the same time.

Just kidding. It _totally_ is.

"I'm bringing them back cold!" Emma insists, her yell ringing out in the house just before she slams the door shut behind her.  
  
They're going to be totally insufferable all year long.  
  
(but she damn sure wouldn’t have it any other way)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! drop a review and let me know what your thoughts are on another follow up or two...


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